DonkeyFish, a whale tale.

He’s the most annoying human being on the planet.  He never shuts-up.  He’s absolutely a horrible poker player who constantly runs his mouth like he invented the game.  His first hand was halfway into the second blind round, announcing proudly that he’d just gone broke and re-entered the tournament.  I’ve played against him before and while I don’t remember why, right away I know I’m not happy to see him.

The blinds are 50-100.  He’s barely sat down and raises from 4^th position to 300.  Three calls later I make the call with K-8 off-suit from the big blind, 200 to win 1350. The flop comes J-8-6, rainbow.  Everybody checks, I check also.  The turn is a 5.  The table checks to me, I bet 1200 into the 1350 pot.  Middle pair, no action on two streets, and it’s a pretty loose table.  DonkeyFish, the original raiser is the only caller.  The river comes the deuce of spades, which immediately makes the fish start yakking, “that’s a blank, didn’t help, you gotta check…” so much noise I begin to suspect a monster.  Does he have 3 Jacks?  Did he raise a big pair and slow-played?  It’s a lot of noise for somebody who doesn’t want me to bet, so I check.  If he made a bad call with Ace-paint, middle pair is a winner.  

He moves all-in for 4500, which has me covered by about 900.  If 1200 on the turn didn’t take the pot, I’m beat.  I fold.  

Now he does the one definitive action to prove his genus as a donkey crossed with a fish.  He opens his hand as if he outplayed me with a big bluff.  He’s holding 6-2 off.  He made two pair on the river.  After donking with 6-high and then donkey-fishing 1200 to win 2550 holding 4^th pair; he makes bottom 2, postures me out of a river bet, and instead of showing down with a weak 2 pair he bets so much I can only call with the nuts.  This is the type of genius I’m dealing with. 

His friends around the table call him “The Professor”.  Three times in the next half-hour I ask the dealer to make him stop calling out the board possibilities when hands are playing.  Every hand he’s compelled to explain how the hand was played, what you should do, how you calculate odds.  He doesn’t do it, but he never stops explaining it to others.

I played one more hand with this fish.  It’s not really a bad-beat story, even though it was a bad beat.  I prefer to think of it as a victory for the game, vindication of playing a good read no matter the price.  It also proves once again the old poker adage that you always get punished for doing the right thing.

Once again it’s my big blind, once again the donkey opens the pot way out of position.  The blinds are 100-200, now with a $25 ante.  We’re 8 handed, so the pot starts 500 blinds and antes.  DonkeyFish is in, the button is in, and the small-blind calls…1000 in the middle.  I check my option holding 10-3 off.

The flop comes 10-9-2, again three suits.  I check, DonkeyFish bets 1000, the button and small-blind fold.  So here I am, top pair, no kicker, and our hero has overbet the pot.  99 times out of 100 I fold this mess and get on with the game.  But I’m getting 2-1 free chips, cause this guy has a ten like I have a world-class jump-shot.  I smooth call.  I check the turn, an undercard, and fish-boy bets 2,000.  Now I know he’s bluffing, he wants me to fold.  He might have a 9, but two tens is the best right now.  He never would have limped with a big pair, and if he’s holding a winner he bets 5 or 6 hundred.  What to do, what to do?

I declare all-in.  DonkeyFish snap calls.  He has me covered, but not by much… he’s all-in on a draw for around 85% of his stack.  I make a perfect read and am about to double-up.  He has J-Q for an up and down straight draw, 14 wins in the deck, but he couldn’t have known about 6 of them.  Any reasonable calculation on the call is 6-1 underdog, particularly for “The Professor”, one cannot call expecting a Jack to win the pot. 

Of course, dear reader, we all know what happens next.  It was the King.  Now here’s the payoff, the very next thing out of his mouth, nice hand?  Good game?  Nice read, I got lucky?  No, not “The Professor”. 

Says he: “You know, I could have had a ten with a bigger kicker.”

“No, fish, you couldn’t.  The only thing I could know to a medical certainty is that you had no ten”, says I.

“How could you know that”, asks “The Professor”.

“How could I know?  Are you serious?  Are you not “The Professor”?  The answer, donkey, is that I’ve been watching you play.  Did you not see me, I’ve been sitting here the whole time.  I’m damn near 300 pounds, how could you have missed me?  I got my money in with a ten and a three and was 70% to win when you made a bad call.  Do you not cover that part of the game in your curriculum, Professor?  Get your money in the middle with the best hand?”

 I admit, I was a little steamed.  Not so much at the lucky draw, but at the opportunity to take this donk with a ten and a three.  A HUGE fish, dammit a talking whale.  Hooked, gaffed, landed in the boat… and he slipped away. 

Seriously, what’s better than poker?